A comedy skit I wrote:
Did I tell you that I’m going to be staying in North Virginia this summer? Every time I go there, my mother KILLS me! She says I don’t visit enough.
Oh, you mean North Virginia as in *North* Virginia?
SOUTHERN North Virginia.
Do you really mean to tell me, that, that you’ll be staying in SOUTHERN North Virginia?
Well yeah, of course. Why is that such a surprise to you?
And, and your mother will be staying there too?
I hope so.
Why would you wish such a thing on her?
It’s where she lives! What are you stupid? All the great Smiths retire to Southern North Virginia. A few of them even like it better in South Virginia.
South Virginia? No way! I hear it’s too hot there.
It ain’t that bad, try Florida if you want hot.
I had no idea that, that you and your family were such bad people.
Now why would you say a thing like that about my family?
Most of the good people I know… well, they go to North Virginia.
Some of the really good ones go to NORTH North Virginia.
I knew a bank robber once, and he went to South Virginia.
Another guy was a rapist, and he went to SOUTH South Virginia.
Well what does that have to do with anything?
I just thought, you see, that you were a good family man… and you went to church every Sunday… and you were on the mission for four years… yet now I find out it all means nothing. What kind of game are you playing with me? Is your life all a lie?
Listen, I’m only going to South North Virginia because my mother couldn’t afford to move further North. She wanted to be near the rest of the family.
NEAR the rest of the family? Why would she want to suffer through that?
Now your insulting my family? What’s with you today?
What about the gnawing nervousness and guilt?
We keep it under control.
Maybe I should come too. I had no idea that pugatory was such a fun place!
Pugatory? What’s that have to do with anything?
Well, you said… that your mother was going to kill you. I assumed you were talking about the afterlife.
She doesn’t kill me, she just scolds me. You have to stop being so literal.
Oh, so now you tell me you’re not very literal.
Most of the good people I know would be shocked by that. They’re very literal. My mother, she was a saint, and she was the most literal person I know…