100 Ways to Tell You’re a Follower

1. Your Twitter name has your birthday in it.

2. Your car has a “My child is an honor student” bumper sticker on it… and you don’t even have kids.

3. You bought an iPhone for the camera.

4. You’re a Roman Catholic because “that’s where the power is.”

5. You bleach your jeans to make them look old.

6. You registered faaaceboook.com and you think it has value (it’s available… 3 a’s and 3 o’s).

7. Your computer’s desktop background is a picture of Barack Obama.

8. You buy Girl Scout cookies.

9. You have a tattoo where nobody can see it.

10. Your car’s rear-view mirror has teddy bears hanging from it.

11. You’re a straight gay-rights activist.

12. You believe the capital of Montana is Hannah.

13. You registered your first MySpace account in 2010.

14. You wear a fake diamond ring… and keep the real one in a safe.

15. You have a Mac because all artists have Macs, right?

16. You are a Unitarian Universalist.

17. You say age is “just a number.”

18. You believe Al Gore invented the Internet.

19. You started a blog on Viagra to make money.

20. You put your career before your family.

21. You go to the gym. (There are so many better ways to exercise… like mowing the lawn or building something. And you just know the exercise machines are hooked up to a generator and the owner of the gym is selling electricity back to the power company.)

22. You use “Scotch Magic” tape for good luck.

23. Your cell phone’s ringtone is “Für Elise.”

24. You bought General Motors stock in 2008 for “the long term.”

25. You believe the U.S. healthcare system is “the free market at work.”

26. You think Saddam Hussein was responsible for the 9/11 attacks.

27. You just bought a new xD Picture Card for your digital camera.

28. You pay to download music.

29. You have an unlisted phone number.

30. You have the electric company average your bill out over the year. (What are you, a baby?)

31. Your office is at “Panera Bread.”

32. You live in “Vancouver, Canada.” (And I live in “Ormond Beach, United States of America.”)

33. You believe 2000 was the beginning of the millennium.

34. You believe “free download” means what it’s supposed to mean.

35. You have cable Internet but you pay $15 a month for dial-up just to keep your old email address.

36. You believe all websites start with “www.”

37. Your answering machine message is a popular song.

38. You constantly refer to “The Matrix” when talking about everything.

39. You believe the square root of 2 is 1.5.

40. You started smoking at 18 and drinking at 21. (Actually, this might make you a leader because most people start at 8.)

41. You believe cancer is cured by radiation. (Hahahahahaha…. sucker! NOW YOU DIE!!! Google is your friend.)

42. You believe “42” is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

43. You think the IRS must be constitutional. (OMG EPIC LOLZ :big-grin: )

44. You believe in unconditional love. (All love is conditional. “Unconditional love” is called “being a doormat.”)

45. When you want to eat something American, you get a pizza. (Thank you Archie Bunker.)

46. You believe “you get what you pay for.” (OH GOD WILL THE LAUGHS NEVER STOP :big-grin: )

47. You’re offended by the word “nigger.” (“Nigger” stopped being offensive in 1999… the same year THE MATRIX was released… free your mind!)

48. You believe the 1st amendment lets you take pictures at Walmart.

49. You read “The New York Times” (herein referred to as “The Nazi Times”).

50. You still hyphenate “email”… and you use “Micro-Soft” products.

51. You go to college to get a good job. (There are plenty of good reasons to go to college… scholarships, fraternities, Pell grants, networking, dating, student employment, getting out of the house, discounted movie tickets… But you’ll need a lot more than a 4-year degree to get a good job. Something called EXPERIENCE.)

52. You write about personal development. (OH NOES self-deprecating humor.)

53. You believe Judaism is a race. (It’s a RELIGION. If we call it a race HITLER wins.)

54. Your favorite website is LOLcats. (I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER?)

55. You sent your CASH to Haiti, just like George W. Bush told you to.

56. You’re fat because you had kids… or you have bad genes. (It’s called GLUTTONY, and it’s a mortal sin… join the club.)

57. You believe Barack Obama (Barry Soetoro, citizen of Kenya) is making the economy recover.

58. You follow Scobleizer on Twitter.

59. You’re still using Tweet This even though I haven’t updated it in a year and it’s broken in WordPress 3.0 (I’LL GET AROUND TO IT EVENTUALLY).

60. You quit your job after reading The Secret.

61. You believe in THE POWER OF INTENTION. (Note to Wayne Dyer: next time listen to your publisher and call it THE POWER OF ACTION.)

62. You believe there is a lot of money in selling clothes on eBay… hand-made clothes.

63. You have a Nintendo DS, a DS Lite, a DSi, a DSi XL, and you’ve pre-ordered the 3DS.

64. You believe “When I’m 64” will never apply to you. (SURPRISE SIR PAUL YOU DID NOT DIE YOUNG.)

65. You believe hard drives last 10 years. (You’re lucky to get 2.)

66. You judge cameras based on the number of megapixels.

67. You pay for satellite radio.

68. You pray out loud.

69. You wrote an article on your blog titled “69 ways to improve your love life.”

70. You believe 70 mph is the MINIMUM speed on I-95.

71. You refer to the ‘net as “the Internets”… and it’s not a joke.

72. Your nest egg consists of paper Confederate money.

73. You have a Wii and it’s the funniest thing ever. (Thanks Nintendo.)

74. You believe children in Africa are starving because they’re UNMOTIVATED… if you had a million dollars, you’d send them all a copy of The Secret in Swahili.

75. You believe in global warming. (SUCKER!!!)

76. You are “emo.”

77. You believe “The Simpsons” will never get old.

78. You give people cash for their birthday and then get the same amount back for your birthday.

79. You have a vanity license plate.

80. You have a SoHo in SoCal.

81. You believe ZIP codes are meaningless.

82. You have a .me domain name. (Yes I know Thripp.me is available, but I have enough crappy domains already. Besides, I don’t want “Thripp Me” to become a meme.)

83. You talk about memes…


85. You use Adobe Photoshop because “that’s what everyone does.”

86. You live in New York or London because “that’s where the power is.” (Repeat of #4, I know.)

87. You run for president every four years… and you’re 27.

88. If you could just get your car up to 88 miles per hour…

89. You identify as bisexual because it doubles your opportunities.

90. You replaced all your lightbulbs with CFLs. (Enjoy your mercury poisoning, SUCKER!!!)

91. You do background checks on your friends.

92. You use Parcel Post when mailing blank CDs because Media Mail is for pre-recorded media only. (SUCKER!!!)

93. You have nothing to fear because you have nothing to hide.

94. You believe that the best thing to do when arrested is to talk to the police. (SUCKER!!!)

95. Your chihuahua is named PRINCE TACO and you make residuals on stud service.

96. You believe diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

97. You laugh at any measurement of distance from 4 inches to 10 inches.

98. Your ass has its own Congressman.

99. You think 99 is as funny a number as 69.

100. You think you can write a list of 100 things without a sex joke and without calling your readers suckers. (It’s really hard because you’re all suckers… it’s so difficult to come up with original ideas. :smile: )